My Birthday

For my birthday this week I am writing about choosing to be present even when it is not easy. I don’t mean literally; I mean being as mindful  as I can each  moment. My weekend was filled with difficult tasks like signing power of attorney, and health care proxy  documents for my parents with dementia. I learned a lot and did the tasks with presence. Especially since I feel things deeply, it is not always easy to be mindful/present.  I cried, I laughed, and got frustrated. I shared my feelings with those who could support me. I stayed aware of what was happening for me; observing the emotions as they passed through. Most of them were quite familiar emotions. This is one of the gifts of turning 48. I was proud of myself for walking through these difficult tasks  with presence. I have grown a lot from what I have been through. I have made lemonade out of lemons for sure. All of my closest friends have done that. I love my lemon to lemonade  comrades!

I am very grateful for my family and friends. They are  good people, with good hearts, doing the best that they can.  

All the while, discussing my parents aging, deterioration,  and death I was “OK”. I surfed  the line of going into a trauma trance, and  it was not easy. I did this by doing the difficult tasks and interspersing them with fun activities. The fun activities involved being with what I call “my peeps”.  These are people who love me just as I am. If I am crying, frustrated, tired, or crabby…they still see what my core is underneath the suffering. They said such encouraging words as: “ you did a good job, your mother would not have made it through another winter like that in Ashfield, and if it wasn’t for you she would still be there living on the “milk diet”.  I began to remember who I am as they said that to me with tears in my eyes. It wasn’t easy, I just walked through it without zoning out on television, doing drugs, drinking, or eating large amounts of sugar. Not that those coping mechanisms are so bad, but they are taxing on  a sensitive person like myself.  I held my midline, and stayed present…and observed myself. I got hugs from people who understood the suffering I was experiencing. They  did not make it all about them, or get triggered by my suffering. They let me just be, giving me space to be where I was, not trying to fix it. I am the luckiest one to have these people in my life.  Being present during these times with my parents is not easy, but it certainly is rich. It made me so happy to see my Mom on Sunday, she was her old self, in a very happy mood. I will make a point to remember her that way on those days when the Alzheimer’s  is winning.  Underneath the Alzheimer’s is a woman who is my mother: a genius, a loving person, a generous person, and a silly person who loves to sing and dance! That’s my Mom!

So no matter what…  try to look beyond the crap of those you love who sometimes project their trauma onto  you; hold  who they are underneath those crusty layers. Do this without being their doormat. You would not look so good flat on the floor with footprints on you. People that can share this way of being by  holding my core beneath “my crust” ; I consider my “peeps”.